Patiently Anxious

Today we wait patiently and anxiously for a document to be completed. It’s a document that has been four months in the making and contains a life time of history. Decisions will be made on its content. Decisions that will alter the future and past of those it includes.

At times, our particular situation is all consuming, taking us to very low and lonely depths. It makes me imagine what it was like for those who’ve experienced horrific, life changing moments like sending a child off to war, receiving word that a loved one is missing, or from histories darkest times, watching government forces marching family and friends to unknown places.

How did they survive? I ask myself. How did they deal with the unknown, the fear, the hatred, the hopelessness, and the loneliness.  

It is also in these times that I question my own beliefs. Why doesn’t God fix this? I see the solution, can’t he? 

A week or so ago we received news that almost cost me my spiritual marbles. I closed myself in my bedroom, looked up to the sky and demanded, “OK, right here, right now, explain to me why this is unfixable! Why do you allow children to be hurt? Why don’t you do something when the answer is so easy? Why can’t you be THAT God!?”

I really didn’t want or need an answer. I’ve been working to understand this God thing most of my life. I knew what the answer was:

…because I AM...

I AM the Redeemer, not the preventer. Prevention is within your power. 

I AM in all people, everywhere – some just don’t know it yet. 

I AM the One who loves you – all of you – the same.

I AM the Healer and there is nothing that can or will happen to you that can’t be repaired.

I AM your Redeemer  and there is not a situation that can’t be used for good.


To be honest, I’m a little disappointed. I like the idea of a fix-it God and I like that pretense that God will make everything perfect. What I mean by perfect is,  the way I think it should be.

I know I’ve still got a lot to learn about God and how he works in our crazy, mixed-up, lives. But isn’t that what life is? Isn’t it a journey of learning, questioning, discovering, trusting and re-learning?

Today, I can wait patently and anxiously with a little deeper understanding. With that understanding, comes a deeper sense of peace.  

Waiting Eagles

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I hate waiting. I have the knack for coming up with plans and ideas that require other’s specialties. This requires me to wait on them to complete tasks. I hate waiting. A few Saturdays ago, I was walking around the house having a grand ol’ bitchin’ session, complaining to myself and God that I was sick of waiting for other people, that I would no longer include others but do things that only I was able to do and wouldn’t need other’s input. “I hate waiting!” I said with great determination.

 At the very moment I verbally said the word “WAITING!” this verse came to mind. Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up with wings as eagles, they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint. Oh really? Are you telling me I should be waiting for You and not them?

My very one sided conversation continued, “So You’re saying I’m trusting the wrong person? I need to trust You and wait until You make a move and all this stress and crap and anxiety and unmet expectations will go away.” I thought about it for a moment. If all the stress and crap and anxiety and unmet expectations went away I would have a lot more energy.  Granted I’m not sure if I could soar with the eagles but I certainly could walk faster. 

I spent the rest of the day waiting on God and forgot the other humans who I had put so much faith in. It was a lovely day. I didn’t have much to bitch about. Actually taking a walk sounded quit pleasant. 

The following morning I had two emails waiting for me when I awoke. Each from the people I had been waiting on. I’m still waiting but not on them.  I’m waiting on the One who gave the eagles wings to soar and gave me legs to walk. And when the time is right and all is in order I believe that I will be able to run to the finish line without getting tired. Waiting, it just makes me laugh.