Jeannie Bruenning Author

Patiently Anxious

Today we wait patiently and anxiously for a document to be completed. It’s a document that has been four months in the making and contains a life time of history. Decisions will be made on its content. Decisions that will alter the future and past of those it includes.

At times, our particular situation is all consuming, taking us to very low and lonely depths. It makes me imagine what it was like for those who’ve experienced horrific, life changing moments like sending a child off to war, receiving word that a loved one is missing, or from histories darkest times, watching government forces marching family and friends to unknown places.

How did they survive? I ask myself. How did they deal with the unknown, the fear, the hatred, the hopelessness, and the loneliness.  

It is also in these times that I question my own beliefs. Why doesn’t God fix this? I see the solution, can’t he? 

A week or so ago we received news that almost cost me my spiritual marbles. I closed myself in my bedroom, looked up to the sky and demanded, “OK, right here, right now, explain to me why this is unfixable! Why do you allow children to be hurt? Why don’t you do something when the answer is so easy? Why can’t you be THAT God!?”

I really didn’t want or need an answer. I’ve been working to understand this God thing most of my life. I knew what the answer was:

…because I AM...

I AM the Redeemer, not the preventer. Prevention is within your power. 

I AM in all people, everywhere – some just don’t know it yet. 

I AM the One who loves you – all of you – the same.

I AM the Healer and there is nothing that can or will happen to you that can’t be repaired.

I AM your Redeemer  and there is not a situation that can’t be used for good.

I AM

To be honest, I’m a little disappointed. I like the idea of a fix-it God and I like that pretense that God will make everything perfect. What I mean by perfect is,  the way I think it should be.

I know I’ve still got a lot to learn about God and how he works in our crazy, mixed-up, lives. But isn’t that what life is? Isn’t it a journey of learning, questioning, discovering, trusting and re-learning?

Today, I can wait patently and anxiously with a little deeper understanding. With that understanding, comes a deeper sense of peace.  

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